One mood; One movie

I just really, really feel lonely these days. No one can do anything about it. I've been on a 3-day trip with 30 other students...there was someone around me all the time (and by this, I literally mean Non-Stop!), mostly my friends, but still. 

On the 2nd day I thought I wouldn't be able to get through the day without crying & freaking out. But somehow, I finally got home.

I didn't want anything else but to be left alone with myself and with my own weird thoughts; to lock the door of my room and never get out...

Now that you know how I've felt lately: The perks of being a wallflower. I didn't really know what it was all about, but I had to admit that it was just the right movie for me, especially in that kind of mood. I've been just sitting here for about 1,5 hour and watching the screen with all my devotion.

I honestly don't know if I could write down exactly what I'm feeling right now, but I decided that I wouldn't even try. It's just not that kind of thing you can explain to someone...to anyone.

You need to understand how things work out around you; in the world. And it usually takes some time...but anyway, you need to fight yourself through all these things, and meanwhile all you can do is Hope. Hope that it'll end someday.

"I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning."

- Stephen Chbosky; The perks of being a wallflower

My SH - Challenge // Day Number 2

Day 2:

What part of your body is most affected by it?

I needed to think about this one for a while...more like all day, 'till I could decide what to write, but I still can't pick out one part that has the most scars. There are cuts on the side of my left wrist, on my upper arm, on the top of my thighs (which I hate the most!!!), but I have to say that the most of my scars are on my stomach, probably because that's the place when it's the harder to recognize them.

There were a time when I wanted help, but I was too scared to ask for it, so I wore the most of my cuts on my wrists, so that maybe someone will notice them and say something...but it never happened. So after a while, I just stopped it and started to cut when no one can see it. 

It's better this way...   

My SH - Challenge // Day Number 1

 So, here I am again. You missed me? Nope? Nevermind...I don't write this for you, who's out there somewhere in the world, God knows where; but for myself. I just need this little escape!

I finally had some time home, during which I got myself to start my own 30 day Self-harm challenge, that you may not want to read, so it's time to leave before I literally start it... 

3...2...1...

Day 1:

How long have you been self-harming? Discuss why you started.

It all started somewhere back in November (if my memory's right). I had some serious & not so serious troubles before, and the month of November was the one when it got all too much for me to handle. I've never been satisfied with my weight, with my body and with my whole appearance, but I bet you heard a 100 stories like this before. I became more and more desperate about loosing weight, and when the scale didn't show what I wanted to see, I used to freak out....that was the time when Self-Harm came as an option. 

Booo!

You scared? I bet you are. Every single person in this world is scared of something. It can be anything....and by 'anything' I really mean it. Spiders, lightning, height, water..

But what if we're scared of our own secrets? If we're so scared of them, that even when we know it'd be the best to tell them to someone, to get them off our shoulders, we just can't. What if we're so afraid of them that they actually freeze us?

In this case, what should we do? How could we get rid of them?

"What can you do when your secrets hunt you?"

Time to grow up..... but when?

       So, today's Mother's Day. The day when no matter what, no matter where we are or how old we are, it's inevitable to be a little child for a while again.

       I've been listening to this song lately, but today I had to think about it a little bit...

                                      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E6sqA9QtV5I

       I know, I know..it's about lovers and not really about parent-children relationship & growing up, but still. The sentence "big girls don't cry" just made me think. When can you declare for sure that someone's grown up? The time when they graduate, or got their diplome? Maybe when they find a job and move out on their own? 

        My Dad told me something so true, that I haven't forgotten it since then:  

"Until me and your Mom live, you'll always be a kid!"

 

Thanks.....for growing us up!